As the stranger sat looking adoringly at his baby in a pram, he was unaware of the many thoughts that ran through the watching columnist's head. Would this child one day return in equal measure the adoration he received from his father today?We sat in a restaurant in Delhi's bustling Connaught Place, people gazing as we waited for lunch to be served. CP always has an eclectic mix of visitors, each more interesting a study than the last. Very unlike malls that are teeming with similar looking boys and girls dressed like exact clones of each other, price tags almost visible in the premium brand haze they create around themselves.It was nudging on 4 pm, quite late as lunch time goes, but that didn't stop groups from straggling in and ordering booze. Each table had more bottles of beer than number of people at it. Surprising, for this was no seedy joint. We understood why when we realised the restaurant announced Happy Hours to entice clientele during hours in between meals. Not that we minded, interested as we were in observing those around us and trying to guess at their relationships and stories. We got more grist for the mill this way!As we finished our meal, in walked a tall bearded guy with straw coloured hair tied in a ponytail, pushing a pram. He adjusted the pram in a manner that it faced him as he sat and ordered his beer. His gaze seldom shifted from the baby sleeping peacefully in it. Once in a while he would reach out and pat the baby adoringly, unnecessarily adjusting the blanket wrapped around it. It was an adorable sight, one that only decency forced us to turn our eyes away from.
It was then that my usually reticent husband made a cryptic remark. "He is looking at his son in the pram with such adoration. Thirty years hence the roles will be reversed. He will be in a wheelchair as his son sits opposite guzzling beer. Will the son then look at his father with as much fondness?" The answer was such an obvious "No" that it cast a cloud on the pretty picture before us.
You seldom see youngsters taking along an old father for a meal or a holiday with as much enthusiasm and pleasure as the father would have taken them when they were small. Many do it out of a sense of duty, but few with the pleasure you would have when you take out a friend. May be this has to do with the fact that parents, as they grow up, often find it difficult to make the transition from parent to friend. As a result, most conversations take on the form of lectures rather than discussions. But whatever the reason, it still is rather sad that a son would not look at his father in a wheelchair as fondly as the father did when the son was on his set of tiny four wheels! My mind swung back to another restaurant at another time. We were in a cozy country inn in a village on the outskirts of London with some friends. A fire crackled merrily, reflecting on the smoothwith-age polished wood all around. At another table, sat a man with an older version of himself. Both ordered the same dish and ate with equal gusto and relish. Amusingly, some of their gestures mirrored each other too. Conversation was at a bare minimum, but the bonhomie and comfort with each other was palpable. Obviously a son, who had taken time off from family to take his father out for a meal. Maybe it was even a regular once-a-month ritual, we conjectured. A sight that gladdened the heart.
From here, my mind shifted, as minds often do, to a beauty parlour in Delhi. As I gave in to some beauty indulgences there, a lady just beyond let out intermittent giggles, apart from which she kept shouting instructions above the din of a hairdryer being used on another lady. The giggles were because she was ticklish, and each ministration on her foot caused laughter, much to the consternation of the impassive guy applying himself to her pedicure! The instructions were for the harassed hairdresser who was colouring the hair of an older woman. With each snip of the scissor the ticklish lady would shout an instruction on how the ultimate look should be. For the lady under the scissors was the Ticklish One's mother. When Ma emerged, coiffed and sprayed, the Ticklish One decided it was time to get Ma's nails done. Twisting and turning, causing further trouble for the Impassive One, she kept focused on the ministrations on her mother rather than herself. "Please be careful with her nails, they are brittle," she shouted, followed by a giggle as Impassive One punished her with a tickly foot rub.
"That's her mother," whispered my hairdresser, shaking her head. "Seldom have I seen any daughter-in-law bringing her ma-in-law to the parlour. Only daughters take such good care of their mothers!" Not being able to resist it, I shouted out to the Ticklish One, "Tell me one thing, is the pedicure thrilling or torturing you?" She peered at me through her glasses and said, "Well frankly, at the moment it is a bit of a torture! I am too ticklish for this...." Smiling, I replied, "Ah, so even laughter can cause pain..."
Despite the chaos Ticklish One caused at the parlour, I walked away with a warm feeling because of the care she took of her mother. Years ago her mother must have given similar instructions to another hairdresser as she cut a tiny Ticklish One's hair!
And so maybe the infant in the pram will one day look fondly at the dad who is doting on him now. Maybe he will take him out for a meal, a beer or a haircut. Maybe he will read out to him or take him to a movie or for an evening walk. Or maybe, he will burst crackers for him one day as the father watches at Diwali, recalling how, years ago, his Dad had held his hands to light the first crackers in his life, admonishing him to be careful.
There are so many ways to show he cares, so many ways he can adore and show respect to the man who sits watching him in total adoration right now in a restaurant in Connaught Place.
Truly overwhelmed with the feedback that The Dirty Picture is receiving. It’s taken the audiences by storm. I smile when I hear people calling it a game-changer and myth-buster. Somewhere it gives Team Balaji added confidence to back conviction. That's the only way to create good, compelling content.
I’ve never had a problem with criticism. Whether films or television, I've lived with it and emerged stronger. If someone doesn’t like something, it’s their prerogative not to like it. It's not possible to please everyone. That doesn't mean that I'm going to change my mental make-up. I follow my instinct.
I cannot stop gushing over the reviews that The Dirty Picture has garnered. I’m glad that people are loving it. There's praise coming in from every quarter. It's been a hurricane of sorts. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Vidya is the only actress who could pull this off with panache! I remember narrating the script to her and her shocked expression.
I told her, "You can do it.” She transformed herself into the character and had everyone enchanted with her curves, passion and drive. Every award next year belongs to Vidya! And the men - Emraan, Tusshar and Naseer saab have individually outdone themselves as the romantic interests in Reshma's life!
Some amount of intuitive choice of the right mate is ingrained in us, but the selection of a life partner requires far more strategising than most are willing to invest
Most of us invest far more energy and strategy in choosing things such as a car, a house, or a holiday package than we do in selecting a life partner. Though it is de rigeur to be extra careful about your choice of vegetable, meal, restaurant, shoe or outfit, it is considered indecorous to strategise for the selection of the right spouse! Such a critical decision of life is left to Destiny, or at best, the vagaries of the heart!
Charles Darwin proved more than 150 years ago that animals’ choice of mating partner isn’t random, but a deliberate, well-worked out process that ensures and influences evolutionary patterns. The female of any animal species will not submit to just any male, but will be very selective and attentive to her choice. It is not by chance that even amongst animals, it is the best looking and strongest of the males that get their choice of females. A female looks out for the strongest of the contenders and a male looks for healthy females in order to pass on genes to the next generation.
The process is no different in humans, whatever we may imagine. Women are naturally attracted to healthy, strong men who can be good providers. A successful man, or one who is dynamic and ambitious, and so poised for success, attracts a woman. Men are attracted to women with a waist-hip ratio of about 70 per cent – actually an indicator of high fertility in a woman. All men love breasts and cleavage, and find a rounded, protruding behind attractive – a symbol of fertility since time immemorial. So, a man is naturally attracted to a woman who can bear him children and will in all likelihood, be a good mother.
So, even without our realizing it, there is some sort of sexual strategy naturally ingrained in our DNA! The heart may know no reason, but our instinct certainly does! It is another matter, however, that sometimes we close our mind and heart to the signals that instinct may hand out and make the mistake of imagining things will work out once we start living together.
So, even without our realizing it, there is some sort of sexual strategy naturally ingrained in our DNA! The heart may know no reason, but our instinct certainly does! It is another matter, however, that sometimes we close our mind and heart to the signals that instinct may hand out and make the mistake of imagining things will work out once we start living together.
What to look for!
In order to identify the perfect mate for you, it is important to understand yourself. Before embarking on this critical quest, you need to have a clear idea of the kind of life you wish to lead. Are you looking for someone who can be a counterfoil for your dynamic energy and restlessness, someone who can keep you grounded and build a steady home for you? Are you looking for someone who can give you the required impetus, some encouragement and that one push to help you on in life? Are you looking at bettering your material circumstances or shoring up your emotional fronts? Are you attracted by a life that takes you round the globe or would you rather strike root in one place? Once you understand what your triggers are, it is easier to identify people who would make good potential partners for you. How frustrating it would be if you are forced to kill your dreams or are stifled in a relationship that requires you to take paths contrary to your urges!
Communication is essential. Common areas of differences and clashes should be discussed with a potential partner and understood before launching onto a life together. Areas such as religion, finances, children, career, living within a joint family or independently are key issues that may lead to clashes. Do not turn a deaf ear to anything negative you may hear about your potential partner at this stage, nor turn a blind eye to any flaw you can see clearly.
Sometimes a process of elimination is a great way of working backwards towards a choice. The logic you employ for elimination reveals a lot about you and helps arrive at great conclusions about what you really want! Identify values and characteristics that hold the utmost importance for you. Can you live with a partner who is dishonest or has no sense of integrity? Can you tolerate living with someone who has no sense of humour? Someone to whom a job is just a way of earning a living? Someone changeable? Someone who is cruel or uncharitable? Someone who may be honest but will not stand up for another? Cold and calculating?
Do not be rushed into a choice. This is probably the most critical decision you are likely to make in your life and you cannot be pushed to decide either way. It takes a long time to understand another human being, particularly because during the initial phases of a relationship, one is on one’s best behavior. For your part, be as open and honest as you can from the beginning. Do not play down your own needs and requirements, and be clear about where you draw the lines.
To me the most important points to consider in the choice of life partner would be…
- Basic values and core beliefs
- A match in level of intelligence and emotional needs
- Ability to arouse respect
- Level of ambition and style of living
- Vision and dreams about the future and level of commitment to make the marriage work!
This list is by no means the last word on the matter! Do help add any more points you consider essential.
Its only when we love and indulge our selves that we are able to love others and give of ourselves more abundantly
"For 28 years of my life, I was in a limbo,allowing my mother-in-law to take over my life completely. She controlled every aspect and I was a humble nobody who danced to her tune. Today, I realise how much of my life I wasted. Now my first allegiance is to myself," said an aunt recently.
This, coming from a woman whom we consider very self-sufficient and independent, was a bit of a shock. Her strident voice and self-assured ways today dont indicate someone who can be dominated or ordered around! Was it possible to change so much in one lifetime and,is the pre-requisite of a happy life, owing first allegiance to yourself? It seems to have worked for her!
One often comes across two extremes of people -- those who are totally self-centred and cannot look beyond themselves, and the total self-sacrificing kinds, who put themselves through hardship to serve others! Both extremes are equally unpalatable.One needs to walk the median to be normal.
Our culture teaches us the virtue of thinking of others before you think of yourself. Altruism over selfishness. Western culture is more inclined towards putting yourself before others. Loyalty and duty is one thing, but altruism is denying oneself to serve another.Each stage of life has different demands on us. Most mothers will happily tell you the virtue of putting kids before their own selves. Many give up hard-earned careers to look after their children,priding themselves on their sacrifice.
But somewhere the sacrificing parents are indulging their whims more for their own satisfaction than because it is really needed. Their sacrifice makes them feel good. In a way we indulge our own selves when we are good to others. It gives us immense satisfaction to perceive ourselves as good human beings who care more about others.
It has been a pet theory of mine (earning me many raised eyebrows and disbelief ), that we love our children because they are a part of us and dependent on us,making us feel loved and needed. All love is ultimately about ourselves. I love someone because he or she makes me feel good about myself.How many instances have you heard of people loving those who detest them?
And so, believe it or not, most of what we do in life is ultimately geared towards giving oneself maximum satisfaction.Whether you are a devoted, self-sacrificing mother, a cheating spouse, a loyal friend, a successful CEO or a devoted husband, your first allegiance is to yourself. You do what you do because it either gives you happiness or the great satisfaction of knowing you are a loving,sacrificing soul, or as in the case of a cheating spouse, deserving and smart enough to have your cake and eat it too! In the end, it is all about, I, me, myself!
All of us are complicated,multidimensional personalities whose desires tug us in various directions. What defines our personality and character is the balance we strike in resolving these conflicts and arriving at a median that promotes maximum harmony in our own being. So we all arrive at an optimal trade-off point,which may vary from time to time.
The one common truth however is that the trade-off point ensures that each personality sits at a point that serves its own self best in terms of our own self-image and actualisation of our life goals. So certainly, our first allegiance is to ourselves. For, it is only when we are true to ourselves that we can be true to others. In whatever ways you may compromise to please others, ultimately what decides your happiness quotient is the compromise you made with yourself, your principles and your sense of well-being.
There is nothing wrong with owing yourself first allegiance. So long as all of us have a good self-image, greater good is bound to follow. That is where a good upbringing and influences are important.None of us would deliberately want to be bad spouses, mothers, friends or children. To satisfy our own self-image we would strive to be good at everything. And that would lead to the good of all. Even Christ said, love your neighbour as yourself; he never did say love him better than yourself! So go on, stretch your arm and pluck the first happiness for yourself; it will only help spread happiness all around.
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