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The 'other woman' in man's life-his mom!
Freud and Oedipus are both dead and gone. But grown sons unwilling to let go of their mother's pallu are the death of any happy marriage...
readmore Exclusive interview with the mama' s boy“Everything, right down to the underwear
It's a relationship that has spawned a series of TRP-grabbing serials, made Smriti Irani everyone's favourite bahu or saas (depending at which stage you started watching the Kyunki series) and taken an age-old tussle and put it out there on national television. It's the saas-bahu saga, where two women (on TV and off it) are fighting for one absolutely ridiculous prize - the son.
Rosma detoxify your emotions you are at end of your game!
And while nobody's taking away any credit from the 'maa' who bore and raised this fine specimen of masculinity that some woman has given her heart to, let's get some perspective here. Boys, it's all very well to be your mother's biggest fan, and love and respect and cherish her. But when you get your own woman to have and to hold, it's time to grow up and be a man.
"My husband is a hotshot architect who has managed to bag quite a few prestigious projects,'' says Sakshi, 29, an industrial designer. "But as soon as his mother enters the scene, he becomes this whimpering, brain-dead little child who cannot function without her approval. It's so irritating." Sakshi's husband Rohan is the prototype for the Indian male, give or take a few exceptions. "Sakshi must understand that my mother, at her age, will not change her thoughts or actions. So she (Sakshi) must," he says. But what about Rohan himself changing? "What's wrong with me," he irritatedly asks. "For one, his mother continues to buy him underwear," Sakshi offers. Rohan glares at her and squirms. The example above is not a figment of our imagination. Both Rohan and Sakshi (names obviously changed) are real people and so is their strange situation.
Psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh deals with the 'mama's boy' syndrome on a regular basis and it never ceases to amuse him. "It's the same story that is told with such amazing regularity - that the boy will bend over backwards to do what his mother wants and his wife will grow to resent that," says Chugh. "This statement is usually followed by the revelation that the m-i-l is constantly trying to manipulate the son and he's the only one who is neither able nor willing to see that."
When the Yuvraj of the Indian cricket team proudly announced on national television that he was a mama's boy, he successfully alienated more than just a few PYTs. And why not? In today's age of economically independent, free-thinking women, no girl is willing to 'compete' with the mother as the other woman. "Mothers really need to cut the virtual umbilical cord," says Kashish Sharma, a college student. "Why are they so hellbent on hanging on to their sons? Don't they have a man of their own? And if not, don't they just have friends? And a life?'' she asks.
Advocate Mrinalini Deshmuk, a divorce lawyer, believes that a mother's interference and domination can - and does - lead to cracks in the marital relationship. "These can be overcome if there is a conscious balancing of relationships done by the male," says Deshmukh, adding that extreme cases do end up in divorce.
Devika Chawla was married to a mama's boy. "I say 'was' not because he changed his ways but because the marriage ended. And I hold his bizarre relationship with his mother solely responsible," says Devika. "Gaurav didn't have a father and was brought up by his mom. I should have realised there was something very wrong when he suggested we take her along on the honeymoon, just so she wouldn't feel left out. But at that time, I thought the poor lady needed a holiday so there's no harm taking her along. "When Devika and Gaurav moved to Singapore, of course, Mummy moved with them. From then on, life was hell. "She would insist on cooking and cleaning for him, looking after him, tending to his every need. I felt like she was married to him and I was the outsider. And Gaurav refused to see my point. "Being the working woman she is, Devika believed in an equal distribution of housework. "Juxtapose that with his mother, who would lovingly cook Gaurav's favourite dishes and make sure his clothes were ironed and I looked like an incompetent fool in comparison. Most of our fights began with him comparing me to her unfavourably," she says.
Chugh is not surprised how that marriage turned out and has some advice for Gaurav and others of his ilk. "Boys have to realise that after marriage, roles shift. And even if you have the same commitment (to your mother), your involvement in discharging those commitments might change. That is in no way a reflection of the love you have for your mother," he says.
Shamsah Sonawalla, consultant psychiatrist at Jaslok Hospital offers a simple solution - space. "Even the best of relationships need it and mothers must realise this and be ready to let go of their sons at a certain stage. In extreme cases, I have seen a mother manipulate a marriage by using dependence and control as synonyms for love. That's just the worst thing a mother can do to her son, especially since she is not going to be around forever to look after him," says Sonawalla. The good doctor advocates an ideal system where mothers choose to live away from their married children and take up an independent existence of their own. "A mother has to let her son develop a healthy relationship with his spouse. If not, sooner or later, the son will catch on to the fact that his mother is trying to interfere in his marriage and his reaction will be one of anger and resentment towards her."
For boys, Sonawalla has one piece of advice: "Stop constantly comparing the two women in your life or you'll be left with only one." Touche.
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